Unfinished Entry
by Shirl
Summary: COMPLETED-John's first night at the rehab center is spent reading a journal never meant for his eyes.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from ER. They are  
the property of Warner Brothers, etc.  
  
Author's Note: This story contains spoilers for Season 6,  
including "May Day". Warning: readers may find some content  
to be disturbing. Credit goes to Kristen and Cathy for giving  
me the idea of writing a "journal based" story. After reading  
their Journal fanfics, I got this story idea that wouldn't rest  
until it was written.  
  
Archive Info: You are welcome to download this story for your own reading,  
but please do not archive it on any website without my permission.  
  
TITLE: Unfinished Entry  
  
RATING: PG13  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
He knew it was in here somewhere. John continued to search for the small  
case that contained a toothbrush, razor, and other toiletries. He kept  
it in his bag for those unexpected double shifts. He'd never thought it  
would come in handy for those unexpected trips to drug rehab centers.  
  
His hand swept across an unfamiliar, smooth surface and he frowned  
slightly, not sure of what this item was. Pulling it out of the bag,  
he stared at what he held, a chill running through him. He'd been  
carrying this around for a week. Had completely forgotten about it.  
No, that wasn't the truth. He hadn't wanted to deal with it. So he'd  
shoved it in his bag and had mentally blocked it out, conveniently  
forgetting that he'd placed it there. Coward.  
  
He stood frozen to the spot, tracing the outline of the book with one  
finger. He shouldn't even open it. This was private. He should just  
mail it to her mother.  
  
Setting his bag down on the floor and pushing the pyjamas he'd been  
given aside, he sat on the bed. He propped the pillow against the wall  
and leaned back, stretching his legs out. Who was he kidding? He'd known  
all along that he was going to read this. It was just a matter of when.  
He'd been totally caught by surprise last week when the stranger had come  
into the ER, unsure of whom to speak to. He'd just happened to be at the  
admit desk at the right time...  
  
  
"I hope you can help me."  
  
John looked up from his patient's chart to find an elderly man facing him  
through the admit desk window. Of course, Randi was nowhere to be seen.  
He forced a smile to his face. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"Did Lucy Knight used to work here? The girl that got stabbed to death?"  
  
John's smile vanished. He thought his heart jumped a bit at her name.  
"Yeah," he managed to say quietly. "Why...why do you ask?"  
  
A small red book was thrust at him through the window and he took it  
with both hands. It was plain, with no lettering or design.  
  
"It belonged to her. Kind of a long story, but I own a variety store  
not far from here. I was working that night when this crazy guy came in.  
He was yelling a lot of gibberish and waving that book around. I told  
him to get the hell out of my store. He dropped the book and ran out  
when BAM, he got hit by a car. I called an ambulance and with all the  
excitement, I forgot about the book. My wife must have found it and  
put it away. I don't know why. She's a little..." He cleared his  
throat in embarrassment. "Well, she's just forgetful sometimes. Anyway,  
I was cleaning out the store yesterday when I found it again. I only  
know it was hers because her name's on the first page. She used to come  
into the store sometimes. Sweet girl. I couldn't believe it when I heard  
on the news what happened. A damned shame."  
  
John opened the book and indeed found Lucy's name inscribed on the first  
page in her neat, cursive writing - "Lucy Knight's Journal"...  
  
  
And so her journal had been collecting dust in the man's store for three  
months until it had found it's way to him. Her private thoughts.  
It disturbed him to think Paul Sobriki had gotten hold of it. How had  
that happened?  
  
Taking a breath, he opened the book and began to read.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
September 21, 1998  
  
I suppose it's fitting that I start this brand new journal on my  
first day in County General. God, I need a coffee. I'm so nervous.  
I hope things go well today. What's it going to be like in the ER?  
Hectic, I'm sure. A real chance to save someone's life. I wonder if  
I'll be able to make a difference today?  
  
LATER, SAME DAY  
  
I am so, so tired I can barely see straight. Is it going to be like  
this everyday? So many people, so many things to remember. It's kind  
of exciting, in a way, but scary too. Mark Greene seems to be really  
nice. I'm not so sure about John Carter. Guess I'm stuck with him,  
though. Maybe he was just in a bad mood today. I'm afraid I didn't  
handle the IV thing very well. I should have been upfront with him  
and told him I didn't know how. What was I thinking? I'm so used to  
being the know it all in class. It's hard for me to admit that I'm  
lost or just don't know what I'm doing. I've gotta work on that.  
  
  
UNDATED  
  
A carrot! Ugh!! And Dr. Carter says he's seen even more bizarre things  
than that. I don't even want to know.  
  
  
October 15, 1998  
  
Well, I've blown it again. Totally humiliated myself in front of  
everyone during that trauma. I don't know how I've let things get  
so out of hand. Why oh why didn't I let him know I couldn't do an IV?  
And that look in his eyes. Like he'll never trust me again. I deserve  
it. I know I do. I just wanted to impress him so much. But he's right.  
It isn't about me. I really did endanger that patient today. But I  
swear I can do better. I can. Even if he doesn't believe me.  
  
  
October 31, 1998  
  
Happy Halloween! I'm all excited about this party tonight. I always  
loved getting dressed up, even when I was a kid. Forget the candy!  
I just wanted to go out in the costume. Wish I had more time to get  
a better outfit this year. I hardly have time to write in this journal  
anymore. Used to write everyday. Oh well. At least I was able to get  
the roller skates. Hope I don't fall down and make a fool of myself.  
  
LATER, SAME DAY  
  
Man, does he ever have a knack of making me feel like shit! Like I don't  
feel bad enough about what happened to them. This is MY fault?? Am I  
the one who forced ecstasy down their throats? How was I supposed to know  
what they were doing? We're all med students for Gods sakes! You'd think  
they'd know better. But they almost died. He left me in charge. I suppose  
if Dr. Carter had been here, this never would have happened. Maybe it is  
my fault. A little. How many other ways can I screw up in front of him?  
My head. My poor aching head. I'll never drink again. I've gotta go to bed.  
  
  
November 2, 1998  
  
So now I'm not allowed to ask questions. What is it with him? Isn't he  
supposed to be my teacher? Aren't I supposed to ask questions? Maybe I  
ask too many. That's what Mom would say. OK, I probably am annoying that  
way. I probably do ask too many questions. So shoot me. I just want to  
learn as much as I can. Dr. Carter knows a lot. I know I can learn a lot  
from him. But he sure doesn't make it easy. Never noticed how cute he is  
underneath that bushy beard, though. He really looked like he wanted to  
kill me when I was cutting it off. Ha!! I did him a favor.  
  
  
UNDATED  
  
I'm sitting here in the dark. The only light is from the x-ray board.  
Don't want anyone to see me cry. I really thought she was going to  
make it. She reminded me of Grandma with all those stories to tell.  
Such a sweet lady. She died all alone. In the very end, I don't even  
think she knew I was there. It's not the first time I've seen someone  
die here but it's never affected me like this before. Guess I just got  
really close to her. God, I better pull myself together. Dr. Carter's  
probably looking for me right now. I hope something good happens today.  
I NEED something good to happen.  
  
  
November 12, 1998  
  
I'm so mad I could scream! I cannot believe Carter listened to my dictation.  
I use the palmtop for professional stuff and this journal for personal.  
Guess I got the two confused when I started complaining about him on the  
computer. But it was based on complaints on a work level... Anyway,  
point is, he never should have listened to it. Things are getting so bad  
now I wonder if we'll ever make peace. We just seem to irritate each other  
beyond all reason. Well, break is over. Carter wants me to practice doing  
an IV again. I swear I can do those in my sleep now. I'd better put this  
in my locker where it's safe.  
  
  
November 19, 1998  
  
Cripes, I've only got half an hour before I'm back on. Pretty pointless  
to even try to sleep, though. I know I can't. I'm totally exhausted but  
all I can think about is Corinna. So unfair. I've already cried enough  
tears over it. Got Carter's shirt all wet. Poor guy. I can't even imagine  
how painful his shoulder is. I can still hear that awful scream in my head.  
Thought he was going to pass out. Maybe he did for a second. And then  
his Jeep! I've never seen a car on fire before. I've got to believe that  
Corinna still has a chance. Or today was all for nothing.  
  
  
December 24, 1998  
  
Hard to believe it's almost Christmas. Actually, it's a few minutes after  
midnight as I write this so Merry Christmas! Can't wait to go visit Mom.  
Just another couple of days before I go. I feel good about what happened  
at the hospital. I just knew that if I got the two parents talking,   
Mrs. Richards would agree to the transplant. It was like Carter had  
given up hope but I couldn't do that. I don't know if what happened tonight  
was a miracle but it was definitely something good.  
  
  
January 7, 1999  
  
Welcome to the new year! And I've got a date tonight! Actually, it's kind  
of pathetic how excited I am about it. I haven't had a date in...well, I've  
been busy. Damned busy. OK, so no one's been interested in me for a while.  
There, how's that for honesty! And I haven't met anyone interesting either.  
Dale is kinda good looking. Also kind of conceited but I can live with that.   
This riverboat sounds really cool, anyway. I know, I know, I'm supposed  
to study. But Dale seems smart too. He must be, if he's surviving as a  
resident. I don't know how much studying I'll actually do but I'm sure he  
can help me out.  
  
LATER, SAME DAY  
  
I'm trying not to freak out. I've never gotten stuck with a needle before.  
Carol says it's happened to her a lot. And Haleh too. They're both  
telling me not to worry. I suppose what's done is done. Like I said,  
I'm really trying to be calm about this. I just won't think about it.  
  
  
January 20, 1999  
  
It's a nice change of pace to have Dr. Benton as my teacher. I was really  
nervous from all the horror stories Carter told me but it hasn't been  
so bad. He's pretty fair. Strict but fair. I like Dr. Corday too.   
But Dr. Romano is an unbelievable jerk. No, jerk isn't quite right.  
Jackass is more like it. Can't believe how he was staring at my breasts.  
He needs a smack upside the head.  
  
  
February 2, 1999  
  
Wow, he's a great kisser! He looked so adorable, I just couldn't help  
myself. I never thought he'd actually kiss me back. Funny how we seem  
to be getting along better now that he isn't my teacher. I admit to   
having the teeniest crush on him. But I'd never tell him that. His head  
is big enough as it is. If only Chuny hadn't come along. Now the whole  
world is gonna know.  
  
LATER, SAME DAY  
  
Did I really say that? "We could just have sex?" Oh, great line, Lucy!  
He's right anyway, it never would have worked out. We're just too  
different. I'll get over it. But he does know how to kiss. Much, much  
better than Dale. Dale...I've gotta end it with him. I thought I could  
live with a little conceitedness but this man has it bad. Every other  
word out of his mouth is "me". It definitely has to end.  
  
  
March 16, 1999  
  
My Psych rotation seemed to pass by in a blur. I enjoyed it a lot.  
Talking to people comes naturally to me. Mom always said I could talk  
someone's ear off. But listening is a big part of it too. And now  
here I am back in the ER. I must be nuts. But I'm not satisfied with  
how things went the first time around. I know I can do better. I WILL  
do better. Despite what Carter thinks.  
  
  
UNDATED  
  
I've never seen anything like that. I mean, I knew it was going to  
be bad. Tried to prepare myself, but the reality was so much worse  
than what I imagined. The way his skin...can't think about it.  
I don't know how I got through that phone call without bawling.  
I think Travis was handling it better than me. What if I were in  
his position and calling my mother, knowing I was going to die?  
What would I say? Let's hope I never have to ponder that question.  
  
  
UNDATED  
  
What a horrible, lousy day. Absolutely nothing has gone right today.  
This is what happens when I stop taking Ritalin? I thought I could  
stop cold turkey but maybe that's not going to work. But I do want  
to stop. I have for a long while. I don't know if I can do this  
on my own. But I've got to try.  
  
  
September 17, 1999  
  
Guess I've been neglecting this journal. I didn't write a word in  
it all summer. Anyway, not only is today Mom's b-day but it's a  
double celebration. I've been officially off Ritalin for 3 months  
now! It's really made a difference. I feel a lot calmer, less hyper.  
I've gotten a couple of remarks from people at the hospital too.  
They ask me what happened over the summer. Carter probably has a  
suspicion but he hasn't said anything. I don't talk to him much  
these days.  
  
  
UNDATED  
  
Dr. Dave? What's with this guy? Enough said.  
  
  
December 25, 1999  
  
I feel kinda sorry about that last entry. Dave isn't such a bad guy.  
Kind of sweet, actually. I don't even know when I wrote that.  
Probably back when I first met him and he pissed me off about something.  
Well, here we are, another Christmas with me at the hospital.  
It's 5:30 a.m. Valerie is doing great. She's still sleeping.  
I should be sleepy but I don't feel tired at all. I feel wonderful!  
I could even kiss Dr. Romano right now. Maybe he's not such a bad  
guy either. That look on his face though when he opened the door  
to find me standing there! Part of me still can't believe I did that.  
But I was desperate and it paid off. We've bought Valerie some time.  
With a little luck, she'll get her new heart soon.  
  
  
January 13, 2000  
  
I'm writing this on the train. Valerie's getting her heart today!  
She called me at home, all excited. I'm excited too. I'm not on  
until later today but there's no way I'm missing this. I've gotten  
to know her, not just as a patient. I like her.  
  
LATER, SAME DAY  
  
She's dead. How can this be? It's not fair. NOT FAIR!! I told her  
she'd be all right. This wasn't supposed to happen. We should have  
waited. Should have waited until her infection cleared up. We rushed  
into it. I rushed into it. My fault. No matter what Dr. Romano says.  
This IS my fault. I'm sorry, Valerie. Sorry, Mrs. Page. Your daughter  
is dead because of me. Now she doesn't even have a heart. We're giving  
it to someone else. Ironic, isn't it, that someone has to die so someone  
else has the chance to live. I only wish you had been the one to live,  
Valerie. I wish...well, what does it matter what I wish. Things happen  
and the world keeps moving on. And I will too. Eventually.  
  
  
February 14, 2000  
  
Ahhh, Valentine's Day. No one to share it with this year. A highly  
overrated occasion anyway, if you ask me. I've seen Yosh handing out  
some cards. What a character.  
  
LATER, SAME DAY  
  
That was awful! Holding the patient down like that. I hope I never  
have to do something like that again. At least Carter was pleased with  
the clear spinal tap fluid. I surprised myself. Now we just have to  
wait for the test results.  
  
LATER, SAME DAY  
  
I know something's wrong with Paul. I think it's something psychological.  
I know it is. It's taking forever for Psych to get down here. And what  
is Carter's problem today?? He refuses to listen to me at all. I thought  
we were starting to get along better but he's definitely in some kind of  
a mood. I just don't understand him sometimes. I've seen the way he is  
with his patients. How he takes the time to listen, really listen.   
Why can't he be that way with me?  
  
Will write more later after Psych comes down.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
John placed the book down in his lap with a heavy sigh. Reaching up  
to rub at one tired eye with his hand, he felt a wetness upon his cheeks.  
He hadn't even realized he'd been crying. He'd thought that he'd  
wept enough tears for Lucy and that he had no more left to shed.  
How wrong he was. About so many things. So many things he wished  
he'd done differently.  
  
But he couldn't change the past. And if he wanted to look forward to  
a future, he had to get his act together. These past few months,  
he'd been running himself into the ground. Maybe on purpose. Did he  
want to hurt himself? Did he want to die? No. The very fact that he  
was in this place proved it. Didn't it?  
  
Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he took one last look  
at the page in his hands. Lucy's final words. The entry she had never  
finished. Peering more closely at it, he could see additional writing  
underneath. Turning to the next page, he almost dropped the book to  
the floor. This wasn't Lucy's writing. He knew immediately who had  
written this. His first impulse was to tear out the paper, but some  
strange compulsion forced him to read the words. Large, bold printing  
penned with a shaky hand...  
  
SHE'S DEAD! DEAD!! DEAD!! I KILLED HER AND HIM TOO BOTH OF THEM  
THEY WANTED MY ORGANS BUT I KILLED THEM KILLED THEM KILLED THEM  
  
Drawing in a shuddering breath, John hurled the book across the room.  
It landed with an unsatisfying thud against the far wall. He had  
no right. No right to soil Lucy's journal with his hateful words.  
  
Walking over to where it had fallen, John picked up the book and  
carefully tore out the offensive page. He crumpled it with one hand  
into the tightest ball he could manage. Intending to toss it into the   
wastepaper basket, his glance fell upon the washroom. He went inside  
and flicked on the light. Reopening the wad of paper, he took his time,  
tearing it into tiny bits. He let the confetti fall from his hands  
into the toilet bowl. With one flush, all evidence of Paul Sobriki's  
ranting vanished.  
  
After hastily splashing his face with cold water, John returned to  
the bed and lied down. He was mentally and physically exhausted.  
The day had been long and he suspected that sleep wouldn't come easily  
tonight. So Sobriki had thought he'd killed both of them. Well, he'd  
been wrong. One of them had survived.  
  
He was alive. Yes, he was sorry Lucy had died. Truly and deeply sorry.  
And he supposed he would always carry a measure of guilt for what had  
happened that day. For the careless way he'd supervised her. Why had  
he been so impatient with her that day? He had no answer. He simply  
didn't know.  
  
He wasn't quite sure how, but he had to find a way to make peace with  
himself. To forgive himself. And perhaps Sobriki too. That was the  
only way he could go on with his life. There were lots of things he  
hadn't accomplished yet. Lots that he could do with his time left  
on earth. Starting now, he had to make the choice to live.  
  
And somehow, he knew Lucy would approve of his choice.  
  
~*~*  
Shirl :)  
  
Shirley's Corner  
http://shirl.scriptmania.com 


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